This is my face.

“This is the face of a woman who sees. 🌀
This is the face of a woman who sees your heart and your pain. 
This is the face of a woman who sees your dreams and your fear. 
This is this face of a woman who sees your truth and your illusion. 
This is the face of a woman who sees your potential and your limitations. 
This is the face of a woman who sees your nurturer and your warrior. 
This is the face of a woman who sees, loves and accepts you with patience and devotion. 
This is also the face of a woman who judges you. 
This is also the face of a woman who has expectations for you to be something you’re not. 
This is also the face of a woman who wants to control and overpower you because she’s afraid of surrendering to you. 
This is also the face of a woman who thinks she is better than you. 
This is also the face of a woman who wants to possess you to feel safe and secure. 
This is also the face of a woman who competes with you when she feels threatened by your differences. 
This is also the face of a woman who keeps you at an arm’s distance – anxious to show you who she really is.  
This is also the face of a woman who creates stories that sabotage her connection to here and now. 
This is also the face of a woman who doubts what she sees, questions what she feels and blames you. 🔥
This is the face of a woman who dances in the shadows of the dark, radiates in the fullness of the light and is committed to evolution. 
This is the face of a woman who sees herself in you and invites you to see yourself in her.”~N.P.Naugle

I read this yesterday and had a little epiphany. I have been riddled with anxiety attacks about my birthday party, specifically the performance. I wake in the night with my heart pounding and my mind racing. In the middle of the day, my heart will start to race as if it wants to free itself from my chest. I have not been practicing my numbers the way I should because it brings it all home and I want to bury my head…and probably my heart too. This sort of self-sabotage is so familiar to me. Almost comforting. How many ways can I find to avoid my evolution, my personal growth? Why am I so frightened to stand in my own radiance, express myself, allow myself to be seen as I am?

And then, this writing came across my feed. Tears ran down my face as I recognized that I had been all of these at one time or another and if I fail to embrace my darkness, how can I embrace my light? My judge and my competitor and my insecurity and my scrutiny of self and others were taking hold. I teach yoga, advise yoga therapy clients, speak to love and self-acceptance and yet, I denied those negative aspects of myself. Acknowledging that they were present and self-limiting allowed me to lean in. Absorb them even and step through to my own light. This sounds kind of hokey. I lack the eloquence to express exactly how this has healed me, but I feel healed. I feel lighter and more solid, grounded, at the same time.

I got up this morning and ran through all 6 numbers in a row. I messed some up. I rocked others. I love being on my lyra (of course) and I wasn’t winded. All very good signs. The sense of panic and the subtle, yet insidious, desire to hide has left me. Today, I feel whole and connected. <3

 

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