Transform: to change completely the appearance or character of something or someone, especially so that that thing or person is improved.
You may be noticing that I like definitions. I like words. Why do we choose the words that we choose? Do we like the way they fall out of our mouth? The feel of them on our tongue? Do we like all the connotations that the word represents? The images they bring to mind?
Today, as I am rearranging my schedule and making travel plans to see my father, probably for the last time, I am contemplating transformation. Prior to studying Yoga, this situation would have been so challenging for me. I would have been angry at the world. I would have used that as an excuse to isolate emotionally while eating and drinking too much. All actions that support an old belief system that I am not worthy…not worthy of self care…not worthy of love. Instead, I am recognizing that this is beyond my control…that I cannot change it. So what can I do? I can show up. I can be present. I can allow myself to acknowledge and accept whatever it is I am feeling. I can take care of myself. This knowledge fills me with so much gratitude.
This transformation is noteworthy, but I must confess to you because I am not a saint. I do feel gratitude, but I also feel inconvenienced. I am missing the first aerial class of our second session. I am missing a Burlesque workshop that I begged the instructor to offer. I am missing a meeting at the Burlesque school. I am missing my son’s Merrowvista information night. So many things to let go of that I was really excited about. I also liked the momentum I had going and sometimes, that momentum carries you when you aren’t quite sure you have the resolve in the smallest part of yourself. Will a week away set me back in my training? Will it “bring me to my senses”? “What 49 year old woman needs to do these things?” that small voice whispers.
And this is where I am really transformed. I can sit in the loss. I can sit in the ugly side of myself. I can sit and stare at the face of my insecurity. I can also sit in grace and with patience for my ever evolving self. I can sit in the joy of memory. I can sit in the anticipation of my return home to my family, routines and adventures. I can sit in love for my family and friends and students. And as I sit, I recognize the change that has taken place in me, filling each pore with a new resolve and certainty. I am whole. I am worthy. I am improved.
Love to each of you.