It has been a strange day. I got on the scale and I am a half pound from my goal weight. Why is it coming off so quickly? I am simultaneously thrilled and a little afraid. I think I am anxious about this new undertaking and that is why I am losing so quickly. It is leaving me feeling airy and untethered, however. This airy feeling reminds me of being in high school when I stopped eating in reaction to my growing breasts. I was frightened and aroused in equal measure and felt out of control. I claimed my control in every calorie I declined. Thankfully, homelessness cured my budding anorexia, but the allure of empty, of being consumed with agni (digestive fire) has always been in me. It is so tantalizing to be consumed….
But. I am not in high school and I am not that conflicted woman child any longer, so I took a few deep breaths and got to work. I boiled a dozen eggs. I went to the store and bought tuna and garbanzo beans, crunchy veggies and nuts. I decided to wait a few days on joining the gym to allow myself to settle….to find my equilibrium…to not be consumed, but instead to embody.