My postings seem to be coming less frequently and I contemplate the why of that.
Am I just busy? (My binge watching of the Blacklist may tell a different story.)
Perhaps it is ambivalence…Aren’t you bored with me yet? I am kind of bored with me. What is there to say? What do I have to offer? I am training and dancing. I am dealing with injuries. I am maintaining my weightloss with vigilance.
Maybe, I wish the birthday party could fall off of the radar like so many things that I have dreamed up and not followed through with. I have tons of anxiety about the show and kind of wish I could slink back under my rock. Have I created a viable and fun show? What if we forget our steps? What if the caterer never returns my email? What is we can’t figure out the lights and sound? I still need to find a DJ. Oh and crap! Invites need to go out and then, there is no turning back. What felt exciting now feels terrifying! Why? Well, it may not be what you think.
….and now you will find out my dirty secret. I don’t feel sexy. I don’t feel good in my skin. I feel awkward. I want to feel bold and brash…a temptress on the stage…..but I am afraid. I am afraid that I am not good enough. I am afraid I will be judged and found wanting. I am afraid that I will be found out. I believe in body positivity for all, but I am excluded from this. Not because I am special, but because it is the brand of self-loathing that is most familiar to me. I hate the sight of myself dancing. I look my age. My ass jiggles (not wiggles). My breasts aren’t firm. My stomach is not flat. I want to love these parts. I want us all to love our parts. I just don’t know how to. Yet.
So, I keep dancing and doing aerial. I want to celebrate 50. I do. And I will not allow my old damage to get in the way of it. But, my friends, I struggle. Every time I turn up to class, I struggle with this self consciousness and often, self-loathing. It is a hurdle I carry around and place at every door of every class. I conquer it each time I step through, but damn! Does it always have to be so hard?
So, there is my dirty secret. I think I will go throw up now, but first hit “post” because I am committed to living with transparency and hopefully, by sharing my fears and limitations, it frees you to share yours. Together, we will heal. I believe we will step into wholeness, into our sacred sexuality, and so help me God(dess), I will find a way! To heal myself. To own myself. To love myself. And I will share it with you.