I was told this when my father passed this Spring. I didn’t understand the statement because I barely registered grief at the time. It was such a strange place to find oneself, mourning a loss while not really noting a loss in your day to day life, as if an anchor in the fabric of your world has given way, but the unraveling has yet to be detected. Yes. Exactly this. And now I am noting that the unraveling has begun….
It starts with the anger of why? Why him and not another? My father has 3 sons from a second marriage and he deserved to see them marry and meet his grandchildren. I chide myself to be careful of recreating history. He had seen me and my immediate siblings marry and bear children and hadn’t worked so very hard to know these grandchildren or to be a constant in our lives. This lack of constant manifests in so many ways, but most glaringly in my sense of value. It whispers and winds it’s way into my thoughts causing me to question myself and this journey I am on. I sense myself reliving old habits of behavior and thought. Self-sabotage. Fear. Imposter Syndrome. I am not good enough. I can’t do it. I am old. Who do I think I am.
Waves. Washing over me. Tempting me to let go of the air and drown in the familiar. But I am choosing to reject this. I will make these waves my chariot. I will lay back into their arms and demand that they bear my weight. I will become one with the truth within these waters and harness that elemental power to shape and shift and soothe and be transformed. I will remain here until I am brought gently to the shore of my own Self-knowing and I will continue on.