It has been over a month since I last wrote.
I had a varicose vein removed at the end of January. It was a little more extensive than I had thought it would be. It rendered me inactive as I healed and following my ablation and the holidays, I find my weight up. The old thought patterns came up, but I was able to set them aside…mostly. I hunkered down and started to manage this through upping my cardio and restricting my calories. Blah blah blah. This topic bores me, but I think it is important to share that like yoga, it is a constant practice. Old stories fight to return and imbed in your consciousness. You must be vigilant. You must repeat your TRUTH like a mantra until you remember. Do remember that you are more that a number on the scale. You are more impactful than your face that will show age. I am.
So, I wrestle with this dichotomy as I prepare for a boudoir photography session that I purchased last Fall. I am more than my image, so why am I doing this? Why? Is “because I want to” enough of an answer? Why do I want to? What do I want to see? What do I want to experience? Am I doing it for my husband? Am I doing it for myself? I have been questioning this a lot. I think I am doing it because I want to be even more vulnerable. Even more honest. I think the body is a work of art. I want to feel that way about mine. As is. Whatever I weigh when I wake up Tuesday morning. So, there is my answer.
Further musing demands that I point out that my father passed away a year ago. A lot has happened in this year without him. I don’t know what I think about spirits supporting you from beyond, but I know I am aware of his absence. Not in the ways I expected to be. I am reminded that he thought everything I did was amazing! That he loved me. That we didn’t get as much time as we should have. That we were on the cusp of being more accessible to each other as he and my stepmother planned a move closer to Minneapolis and that was taken from us. I am further aware that he was as weak as he was kind….and kindness is more important than strength. I am learning that I need to cultivate that in myself. More vulnerability. More softness. More kindness.
So, I am going to begin with vulnerable and commit to writing here more often. It is always an exercise in vulnerability and I hope that my sharing allows someone else to move toward healing and self-expression.
As always, so much love to you!
PS I always welcome comments, insights or anything you want to share.