I have been a little quiet on here. Sitting with the heaviness in my heart, knowing my father is in pain and that I am helpless to change that. I have also been having strange dreams as if my subconscious is winding its way though every relationship I have had…beginning at the beginning…with my father. In all the dreams, though the settings change, I am begging to be loved. Chasing the boy. Convincing. Cajoling. Yuck! I hate being reminded of this pattern. I hate thinking this person who doesn’t know her value still exists in me. Reflecting on this, I am not sure how I was able to break free of this when I met Ron. I think he fooled me. He told me he was leaving when the job ended and I probably thought that made him fit the role. Men who leave. Men who let down. I like them. I know what is expected of me. I know how to behave. But he stayed….he drove from Michigan to Maryland every other weekend to see me. To stay. He moved in with me and payed rent even when he was working out of town Mon-Fri. He stayed when I gave him every reason not to. And we built a life. I am still amazed by this and not sure how we did it. There is a fear in me that he did it. That he carried us and still, I am not worthy. Ron who is so patient and good. Ron who embodies generosity and self-discipline. Ron, an atheist with enough faith to carry us both. Faith in me. Faith in us.
So, for today, I am not going to overanalyze my fear. It’s just the patterns, like ghosts rising up from the past. I can choose to look at them. I don’t have to drape them over me. I don’t have to bury myself in them. I can even avert my gaze. It’s alright.