A girlfriend posted a poem by Rachel Wiley today. It said “I say I am fat. he says No, you’re beautiful. I wonder why I can not be both.” I was struck by this because for years, it was an exchange I would have with my husband repeatedly and not once NOT ONCE did it occur to me that I could be both! Instead, my trust in him would diminish for surely he was lying. Imagine that! I would rather allow my trust in my life partner to falter than accept the possibility that I was beautiful. And when I lost 20 lbs, I still did not feel the way that I thought I would. I looked too thin. Too long. Too stork-y. Good grief! What lengths and machinations I would l go to (and through) to believe I was not beautiful?
But you know what? This level of truth distortion and aversion began to wear down in the face of my determination. Every week…many times a week, I do things that make me uncomfortable. I go to the gym. ( I HATE gyms. I am so anxious and filled with self-consciousness!) I do aerial dance (I still can not invert! and I am afraid of heights!). I go to burlesque dance classes and stand in the front row with a full view of myself in the mirror (sometimes, I avert my gaze. Who knew I could be so awkward..lol) And every time that I conquer my fear/insecurity/dismorphia, I create a new truth. This mountain of truth is starting to be taller than my distorted and false truths. And last Friday, when I was getting dressed up to attend a Burlesque Girl’s Nite, I felt beautiful in my skin. In my body. I felt confident. Powerful. Sacred even.
So, I write this in hopes that it will reach any of you out there who deflect compliments because you don’t believe in your own value or hide from your uniquely beautiful self. Take risks to overcome these beliefs. Be uncomfortable and let your courage illuminate your truth. Your strength will conquer your fear. This self-love and self-belief is available to all of us and is our divine right. We just need to grab it!