It has been a week since I turned 50! A busy week. Usually after a lot of output (leading a retreat/a performance/an event), I set aside a day or two to unwind, process and refuel. Last week did not offer that to me and so, I plodded on arriving at Friday night curled up sound asleep on the couch at 6:30 pm. I vowed to make this week a little more restful although I knew Ron would be away on a business trip. That said, I booked a massage with my friend Siuzanne Jenkins of Kriya Yoga. My Yoga by Donation students had given me a gift certificate for my birthday and I was ready for it!
The massage, as always, was wonderful, but what I am here to share was what I experienced energetically. As she placed her hands on my shoulders, I felt their tension and almost resistance to touch and in that moment, I realized that I did not need to carry so much on my shoulders a minute more. Not one! In my head, I ran through the list of what I was choosing to set down. No more shame. No more fear. Good bye unworthiness. I release you guilt. I accepted that I wouldn’t be everything for everybody, but I could be just enough for me and those who love me. As her warm hands hovered over my heart, I felt a release. I was filled with unconditional love and was able to meet thoughts of those who I have vilified with a sense of acceptance and compassion. I released them and in my forgiveness, released myself, from further damage. As I left, Suzanne shared a quote that had stuck out to her in a training. Our consciousness resides in out fascia. Hmm….
So, I am feeling a little tender this evening, but I also feel lighter. So much this month has supported this healing. The Tonglen practice that began at Peace Tree Yoga and I have been sharing with my Yoga by Donation class because I think it is so impactful. The 3 week Cleanse that I just finished where I refined habits, was mindful about my energy, my resources, my environment and of course, my 49th year goal coming to fruition in a 6 number performance ( and amazing party if I may say so myself!). It has been a month of leaning into suffering and the parts of myself that don’t reflect who I want to be in the world. And every time that I leaned in, I found more depth and more capacity to love others and myself.
Thank you Suzanne for touching my heart today and creating this shift.