Today has been interesting.
I had a cyst removed from my sternum this afternoon. I have had it for over a year, but it had started to grow and become inflamed so it needed to go. At the consult appointment, they had told me no aerial dance for a week so I was already feeling resentful as there is a 2 hour class this evening that I would be missing, but they had ok-ed yoga so that was good.
The procedure was over quickly and painlessly and I really enjoyed the engaging nurse and doctor. I wasn’t, however. prepared to be told no stretching or lifting (hence no yoga) for 3-5 days, no hot tub for 2 weeks and that it would be bumpy in appearance for about a month. I also noted that I was feeling inexplicably vulnerable and weepy. I set those feelings aside to begin the scramble for subs for my Wednesday class and am now coming back to them. Back to this feeling of having a piece of my heart cut out. Clearly, I did not, but this sense of damage and fragility has washed over me and it occurs to me that this might not have been the ideal time to have the procedure. Or maybe, it is the perfect time.
So, I am sitting here trying to understand my reaction…to define what has been opened in me. Why now? My father is gone. In truth, he has been absent from my daily life for years…decades even. So, what is this sense of loss that occasionally washes over me, often inconveniently so? I think it is the closing of the door. The finality. There will never be a moment where the past is mended or owned. There will never be a moment where he says I am enough and that I am loved. To be clear, I know that he loved me, but sometimes actions speak louder than words and years of not being chosen, not being called or visited speaks to you. It informs you that you are not valued and now, it is final. His last words to me were “I am glad you came, but you know you didn’t have to.” and that also speaks volumes. It was not necessary…to him.
Ugh! I tire of myself. It is good to explore why I am reacting, but at the end of the day, I do not choose to drown in this. I AM chosen and shown up for again and again….by my husband and my family and my friends and my yoga students. I will allow myself to surrender into the gentle arms of their support and be rocked by the waves of love and gratitude that I feel. And as this wound on my chest heals, so will I and the scar will be a reminder of how I give my heart fiercely. Always.